Send Me Some Love!

Hey there Loyal Readers and Newbies alike!!

I promise that I have not forgotten this blog.  Far from it, in fact.  I am working on a few things and am really looking forward to the future!  Don’t worry… I am still the same snarky former Company employee… there are plenty of good times to come.

I appreciate everyone still hitting my site, even though my posting has been lagging.  I get hits mostly from people still wanting a definition to “Inculcate” or Running with the Bulls [shrugs]. I will do a full review of awesome (and bizarre) search engine terms shortly.

In the meantime, I would love for all you lurkers (and very vocal commenters) to come out from hiding and let me know which Hell Blog story has been your favorite!  Enquiring minds want to know! 

Even adorable puppies are begging for your comments!

 PS – This is not my puppy.  But I wish he was.  He does/did belong to my friend Erica though.

Batting 2,000

Yay!!!  The HellBlog broke 2,000 hits today!!  This is a great milestone since it’s conception back in August 2008.

Thanks to my loyal readers and the random masses who find themselves here on the quest for better grammar and the need to use inculcate in a sentence.

I have been somewhat on hiatus from writings about The Company as I focused on some personal issues, but plan to get back to it really soon.

Thanks again for reading!

Oooook…. Inculcate? Really?

What is the number one search engine term bringing people to the HellBlog?  It USED to be The Peeing Mantis.

Now?

“Use inculcate in a sentence” [enter]

Really?  Seriously??  I have had over 40 searchers hit my blog since I posted this post back in October.  I am appalled saddened curious about this.  I mean are there really that many people who are searching for this term?  I had never even heard of it before some wise guy at The Company pulled a thesaurus out of his ass and decided to show everyone one the worst possible word to put into a motivational strategic plan since “downsizing”.

I just had to comment on this since it comes up several times a week.

One other that made me laugh:  “Use apparently in a sentence”.  Ok.  Apparently, you are a moron.  How’s that?

 

Post Script– Recently, one of my named characters has attempted to add me as a friend on Facebook.  I have not accepted yet, as I do not wish to hurt her feelings, were she to stumble upon this blog, which I am pimping pretty heavily via Facebook right now… not to mention I would like to avoid anyone at The Company learning about this until the book is in the jacket, so to speak.  So… thoughts – Do I change her name in the blog… OR do I pretend I never saw the friend request?  Comments appreciated, as always!!

Excitation and Other Ramblings

I was excited to log-in this afternoon and see that I have finally broken 1,000 hits on this blog!!  It has been almost four months since I got the bug to blog, and I am thrilled to death that you keep on coming back for more!  Thank you!

So in other rambling news –   I caught the Peeing Mantis in the bathroom last week.  I hate her guts.  I can’t look at her without mentally strangling her and then shuddering at the thought of actually having physical contact with her and her gross ways.  [vomit]

Yesterday it SNOWED in Houston!!  Oh, I was thrilled.  This morning, I heard that there were more the 500 accidents in the area in less than 24-hours due to weather.  It really just proves that people are dumb.  If you get in your car and utter the phrase, “Whatever!  I can make it…”  Chances are… you are an idiot.  And you probably did not make it.  And are now on the side of the road looking like a tool while the news team quizzes you on your idiocy.

Another thought – when looking at my search engine terms today that have brought people to my blog… I ran across this one:

Women peeing web sites

Whoever you are… you are one sick bastard. [shudder]  This is NOT that kind of site.  I do talk about said Peeing Mantis… but seriously… GROSS!

Hmmm… I think that is all for now.  I will be back to blogging about The Company very soon.  In the meantime – check out my friend’s new blog!  He is quite talented!! 

Can you use that in a sentence, please??

Working at The Company was always interesting.  Mostly, it was excruciating, but always interesting.  The department I worked for was made up of the the highest educated group in the organization (4 out of 5 of us holding Master’s degrees), and also the lowest paid (Good times!).  We were often called upon to work on projects belonging to other groups, simply because they knew we could get things done quickly and professionally.
One day we were called in to work on The Company’s Strategic Plan.  Our company put out a published Strategic Plan annually which outlined both the accomplishments of the previous year and the goals (short-term and long-term) for the future.  We began to work on the document and noticed some interesting things right away.  First, only slight changes were made to it each year, and they were usually wrong.  Second, the language used in the document was ridiculous, and hard to understand.  We found ourselves saying, “What does that mean???” on an ongoing basis.
One word, in particular, was used several times, and none of us had ever heard it before.  We actually had to look it up in the dictionary.  The word was “Inculcate.”  Never heard of it?  Here is the definition:
in·cul·cate

(ĭn-kŭl’kāt’, ĭn’kŭl-)  tr.v.   in·cul·cat·ed, in·cul·cat·ing, in·cul·cates

1. To impress (something) upon the mind of another by frequent instruction or repetition; instill: inculcating sound principles.
2. To teach (others) by frequent instruction or repetition; indoctrinate: inculcate the young with a sense of duty.

[Latin inculcāre, inculcāt-, to force upon : in-, on; see in-² + calcāre, to trample (from calx, calc-, heel).]

I totally get that they were intending to use the first definition of the word.  However, they were much more prone to trampling people into submission.

Here’s a thought – When you are trying to get people on board with your ideas – Simplicity and clarity are the order of the day.  Try not to choose words which confuse people, or are left open to such interpretation.

Someone might just write a book about it…

Search Engine Terms – Bringing ya back for more

It is time once again to look at the search engine terms that have brought people to my blog.  I am still getting the ones from last time, but a few new ones need to be acknowledged!  I really enjoy reading these terms and giggling at the things people type into the Google search bar in the privacy of their homes…

“I think he might be gay” [enter]  haha (that one is just for you, friend who shall remain nameless)

“the boss of me” grammar – I, too, have an issue with this phrase’s grammatical structure, but as it was probably invented by a 3-year old, I think we should cut them some slack.  If, however, you are a grown up and uttering this phrase to the person who signs your paycheck… you are an idiot.  Take it to a blog, like the rest of us!  😉

You don’t have to be a brain to be boss – Oh how true.  In some offices, you don’t even have to HAVE a brain to be the boss.  But, I digress.  We have all worked for a stupid boss at some point…  Someone that you just look at and think, “How in the hell can I work for someone with the IQ of a Muppet??”  But just remember… they are just smart enough to be your boss…

People on the fourth floor– OK… someone searching for this freaks me out a little.  Like that really bad movie “People Under the Stairs” or whatever it was that scared the crap out of me as a youngster.  People on the fourth floor aren’t so bad.  It is really more the ridiculous situations we kept finding ourselves in that are the problem.

Mary face appears on floor– Ok.. how the HELL did this link up to my blog??  Yikes.  I don’t want that face on my floor.  Unless it is in the form of grilled cheese.  Mmmmm… grilled cheese… [mouth watering Homer-style]

Cubicle Prairie Doggin – This one comes up about once a week, so I just thought I would acknowledge it.  I have covered it in the past, both in a post and in a previous search engine post.

+”Pearls before swine” + “Hostile Takeover”– I [heart] the Pearls Before Swine comic strip.  It is my current favorite, and I read it daily.  Stephen Pastis, if you are reading this (or if you wrote it… come on… fess up!!)… you are welcome to do a PBS strip of my Cubes hostile takeover.  I vote for Rat to win the takeover (who else??).  I could very easily see Zebra or Goat with the Breakroom Breakdown, so that is up for interpretation.  Call me!  hehe

“what happens at lucky on the 4th floor”– I can hardly bring myself to read this, let alone say it out loud.  Seriously… you grammar is atrocious. 

Inappropriate use of big words – I don’t know if I have blogged about this yet (I think I have talked about the misuse of big words), but this is a major pet peeve of mine.  I can’t stand it when people are using big words at inappropriate times to make themselves look smart.  Look, brain child… if no one knows what you are talking about, you don’t look smart.  You have zero influence, and chances are people will just think you are a tool.  If you don’t know what a word means, don’t use it.  You will probably just use it wrong, and rather than people THINKING you are an idiot – they will KNOW you are an idiot.  And a tool.

That’s it for this time!!  Check back in later for more tales from the Fourth Floor!

Pasta… de la Stupid

This is the story of Brody.  Brody was the 3 year old grandson of my coworker and friend, Joella.  Joella would come in and tell us all of the things little Brody would say.  He was hysterical.  One day she was telling us about talking to Brody on the phone and asking him if he missed her.  “No,” Brody said.  “Oh, Brody!  I miss you so much!  It hurts grand-mommy that you don’t miss her!!,” said Joella.  Brody stopped and thought about it and said, “I have been trying and trying to miss you… but I just don’t.”  Classic.

So, one day, Joella was telling us about some new phrases Brodyhad picked up.  She was doing a small catering job on the side and Brody came over to ask what she was making.  “Pasta,” she replied.  “Pasta de la crotch?”  What???  Joella was floored and trying not to laugh hysterically at the same time (just like we were when she was reliving this tale).  Apparently, he had picked up this phrase from the movie Cheaper By The Dozen.  Brody went out to lunch with his mother and his other grandmother shortly thereafter and when grandmother ordered her pasta…  hehe  I love kids.  We began referring to Brody as “Little Pasta” after this.

Little Pasta also picked up another little habit somewhere along the way.  When someone would say something he didn’t like, he would mumble under his breath… “Stupid.”  Somehow, in reliving these stories, we also picked up that habit.  Whenever someone would ask us something so unbelievably dumb, we would all mutter, “Stupid” as they walked away.

One day it got to be too much… I blurted out “Pasta de la Stupid!!!”  This became the catch phrase for all things retarded in that office.  Ah, memories…

You are the opposite of right, and I don’t mean left!

It always amazes me that people are so sure about their opinions that they will argue them to the death.  Even when they are so wrong it hurts to think about them and all their wrongness.  I just look at these people thinking… “Wow… you are really wrong.  And dumb.  Yeah, dumb and wrong.”  But, mostly I just stand there with my mouth open in a state of shock and disbelief.

Because when you are fighting for something you REALLY believe in (and are wrong about), you aren’t remotely listening to the other person’s (right) opinion.  You just want to win.  But you won’t.  Because you are wrong.

So, when I was working at The Company, I was having a conversation with B one day.  I don’t remotely remember the context or why we were talking about this, but the subject of colors came up.  It went something like this:

Me:  I think we should use Primary Colors on [insert whatever we were talking about here]

B:  Yes, I think that is a great idea.  Use green.

Me:  Green is not a primary color.  It is a secondary color.

B:  No.  Green is a primary color.

Me:  [crickets chirping] Huh?  My mother is an artist.  I went to Kindergarten.  Red, Yellow, and Blue are primary colors.  Green is a secondary color – because it is made up of two primary colors.  That’s its nature.

B:  No [getting angry] it is PRIMARY.

Me: [thinking] You are and idiot.  [saying] Whatever.

I think the exchange went on longer than this, but even now I throw up in my mouth a little just reliving this exchange… Minutes of my life I will never get back.  I lost a littlea lot of respect for her in that one conversation.  Nevermind the grammatical errors or obnoxious ring tone (a really bad polyphonic version of Heart & Soul – always playing on the loudest setting – Plus a walkie talkie built in which would chirp at any given moment)… I now hated her.

You’re Not the Boss of Me!! Oh, wait… you ARE… Crap!!

When I interviewed for my position with The Company, I was interviewed by a guy named Mark, who was to be my manager.  He was a complete tool.  My interview process was over 2 hours long and after about 15 minutes, I realized that this guy didn’t have a clue what he was doing.  He asked me about 10 different questions… over and over again, in varying ways.  Most of my responses began, “As I mentioned earlier…” because they were literally the same questions rephrased over and over.  It was the most painful interview of my life.  Then, I heard nothing for several weeks.  Oh well.  Well, about 4 days before the position was expected to start, I got a call offering me the job.  I jumped on it (as underpaid as it was) because my contract was ending and I needed work.

By the time I started, Mark was no longer employed by The Company.  I never really got the full explaination behind that – but it appears that my initial assessment of his tool-ness, was dead on.  So, now I would be reporting directly to the director, “B”.  She was a nice enough lady, so it seemed.  She was red-headed, very overweight, and funny as hell.  I really got along well with her, at first.  I found out prior to my coming there, she had actually been about 130 lbs heavier than she already was, but had the lap band surgery and had a great success with it.  [Before you think I am bashing… I have also had this surgery]

Unfortuantely, we found out pretty quickly that she wasn’t always to be trusted.  You would be having a great day… a great conversation with her… and then BOOM… it would wind up biting you in the ass.  It really shook my trust in people, especially in management.  I had several off-line conversations used against me as excuses for work not being accomplished.  No, it wasn’t because my husband is bipolar… it is because you asked me to design 11 brand new classes in one week.  That is retarded.

I would like, now, to give you some of the B-isms that we grew so accustomed to.  Enjoy.

What had happened was…  I have so many problems with this line opening EVERY sentence.  Seriously?  Just tell me what happened.  I don’t need to know that it “had happened.”  She also failed to pronounce the T in what and the D in had, so it sounded like a line Mush Mouth from Fat Albert would have used frequently [wha’ ha’ happen was…].

I was give out.   In English, this means “I was exhausted.”  This sentence was uttered at least once a day while conveying her exhaustion from the night before. 

Baby, I don’t eat.  This one usually happened while she was eating a slice of cake [diabetic] or something else she shouldn’t have that she would have to quickly “dispose of” because her lap band couldn’t handle it.  I am sorry, but as a large person, you just don’t say these things with a straight face.  I know from first-hand experience how hard it can be to eat after having that surgery… but come on!

Oh there were a slew of other things that I have blocked from my brain.  When I talk to my partners in crime… I will update with more.

A few months after I started working there, I brought in a friend of mine to do some temp work for us.  Within a few months… she became our boss.  Yeah… it does suck that much.  Oh well… she was a great girl and ended up being a much better boss to work under than B.  At least she had a clue…

I want to mentor YOU…

A few months into my tenure with The Company, I was “selected” (note – sarcasm) to be on a committee to design a Leadership Development Program.  Initially, I was the only person on the team who had any experience with this type of program.  As we went along, we brought in another girl (who subsequently became my boss, but I digress…) who also had experience, but were mostly working with people who had been selected politically to help move the project along.  It was a dreadful project.  We met every Tuesday afternoon from 1:00 – 4:30 pm and rarely got anything accomplished.  These meetings were torture for me, especially since I would normally teach a 4 hour class on Tuesday mornings, which meant I had about 30 minutes to break down the class, run back to our office (4 blocks away), and shove some food into my mouth before being brought into this meeting.

I could go on for days about the lunacy of this project, but that will be for another time.  Fast forward 9 months… We have selected the three people who will be in this program.  I may have failed to mention that The Company was VERY small, and this was a pilot program for the future Leadership Development Program.  Part of the program included a mentorship with a higher-ranking leader in the organization.  Each participant was asked to come up with a short list of mentors that they would enjoy working with.  Two of the participants completed this task with no problems and came up with a decent list of possible mentors.

Then there was “Doreen.”  Doreen’s list comes back to us and looks really odd.  She has people on the list who are both above and below her level, and it just looked strange.  So, we asked her about it.  “Doreen, is this the list of people you want to mentor you??”  “No, these are the people I want to mentor.”  What. the. $^&@#???  We must have looked completely ridiculous standing there with our mouths open.  Kris and I were completely dumbfounded that someone would have the audacity to tell us who THEY wanted to mentor!  The entire point of the program was for these three people to learn more so that they could be better leaders later on.  Typically, the mentoring relationship is decided by the person looking for guidance (mentee) because they know what they want to learn and select a person whose traits and success they admire.

Not everyone should be a mentor.  This is a simple truth that people need to recognize.  Doreen…. should never mentor anyone.  Ever.  The fact that she is even in management in this organization is a testament to its inherent stupidity.  A mentor should actually have admirable qualities that people want to emulate.  They should also be interested in the development of their mentee… not just stroking their own ego.

Thanks to LB and her PhotoShop abilities 🙂